Inside BPD
I thought I'd start by dedicating my first proper post, to the first illness I was diagnosed with. I was 17, had just given birth to my eldest baby and didn't have a fucking clue what I was doing. I struggled to bond with her, my now husband had to juggle working, looking after a baby and making sure I didn't lose my fucking mind. I was using alcohol to cope, which led to really destructive behavior. It wasn't until I saw how much I was hurting him and how close he was to finally having enough that I went to the Drs and begged for help. First appointment was given one of them questionnaires where you score how shit your mental health is at the time. Was told "It's just post natal depression here's some anti depressants," or something along those lines. After three sets of them didn't work I was told they had nothing else and I was referred to the mental health team. Had to tell multiple different professionals what was going on, those awkward talks where you worry if you say what's really on your mind you'll be sectioned.
Took a few months but finally saw I believe a psychologist? May have been a psychiatrist my memory is shit. Another painful few hours telling them how fucked in the head I was, can't remember what I said but I do remember thinking about my daughter and if what I was saying would make them think she's not safe. (I would never have hurt her but if you've ever had those intrusive thoughts, the ones that could be straight out of a horror movie you'll understand) I remember him sitting there nodding his head along to all the mad chit I was saying, then at the end handing me a piece of paper and saying "you have borderline personality disorder." That's all I got, a print out of BPD and what it is and was sent on my way. No help or support, just here's a piece of paper now fuck off.
So here are some of the main symptoms I experience. Obviously it's different for everyone but hopefully it'll be insightful:
Abandonment: I had huge abandonment issues, well still do, stemmed from childhood trauma but that will get it's own post. But it wasn't until I got into a relationship I realized how bad it was. The feeling of absolute dread that if you're boyfriend goes to the shop without you he will disappear and never return. That feeling in your gut like you're being ripped open from the inside when they don't answer a message within two seconds or haven't been online for an hour. When we would argue my husband would want to leave or go for a walk and that sent me crazy. I would literally feel like I was dying, no exaggeration. I would have multiple panic attacks, scream and beg. Even though he would always come back, it made things very hard and we came close to the end on multiple occasions. Needing to know every detail of where they are, constantly thinking they are lying or planning on fucking off forever. This is probably the worst symptom for me, I have been with my husband nearly 13 years yet still get all these feelings, I have lost many friends over the years due to coming across as needy and it is honestly so debilitating. People don't realize how strongly we feel and how little things can make us feel like the world is ending.
Self-Harm/suicidal behavior: From the age of around 12, I would cut myself. I would use broken glass or broken razors. It started due to bullying, secondary school was actual hell for me. I can't remember what exactly started it but for some reason people were pissed off I wasn't pretty or skinny, like what the fuck is up with that? Why was the way I look so offensive to people? My home life was also not great so the combination just got too much. Self harm was my only release, it was the only time I felt numb to everything. I used to lie there and think how nice it would be to go to sleep and not wake up, I never imagined myself making it into my 20s, always thought i'd be pushed too far by that point. Even now I can go a while without acting on urges but now and again they rear their ugly head and I fall victim to my vicious mind. Only thing that helps is I've been getting tattoos up my arms to try dissuade myself from cutting them. Worst I've ever done is try hang myself in 2019, I still remember looking at my kids in bed after and wondering how they deserved someone like me. Honestly if I didn't have kids I don't think i'd be here right now, as much as they drive me crazy they are my reason for being along with my husband.
Intense anger/Rapid mood changes: This is the hardest one I have to deal with, as I get older it seems to get worse. I've begged for help but keep being told I'm too complicated or what do you want us to do? I worry my kids will grow up and just remember me being this raging ball of anger, always shouting and stressed. It's a guilt I sit with every night, telling myself I'm going to control it and tomorrow will be different. It never is. I've caused many arguments and lost friends because when I feel angry I feel it HARD. Everything becomes clouded then by the time I've realized I've over reacted it's too late. I've lit the match and burned every fucking thing down. Only thing I've found helps is metal music, something about a bunch of dudes screaming inaudible words calms my mind. I would not wish BPD rage on anybody, and I feel for anyone out there that has experienced it or felt the brunt of it. Just know that person doesn't mean it, trying to contain it is like trying to contain a tornado in a cardboard box. The mood swings, my god the mood swings. You can be on top of the world one second, feel like everything is finally ok, all the bad was worth it. Just for to it to come crashing down and it's like you've been dragged to the darkest depths of hell. Suddenly everything is black, you hate everyone and everything and nothing can snap you out of it. I honestly don't know how my husband has put up with me this long, we can be sat having a pleasant conversation then suddenly the mere sound of his voice makes me wanna die. And the worst thing is he does nothing to deserve it and I can't even tell when it's gonna happen. Same with my kids, I could be triggered by a noise or a movement then suddenly it's just rage. I hate it, seeing my kids worrying about upsetting me because they don't want mummy to be angry or upset. People often call me too sensitive, I wish I could give them 5 minutes in my body to understand why I am like this.
Intense relationships: This one is one I've dealt with many times in my 29 years of life. This applies to friendships and partners or even just someone you want to be your favorite person. My husband has had this the worst, not being able to go places without me, I'm always hanging off his arm like a lost puppy cause I'm terrified if he spends time away from me he'll realize I am a fucking psycho and he can do better. The spam calls and texts if he doesn't answer a message quick enough or his walk to the shop is taking longer than it should. Obsessing over where he is, what he's doing, does he hate me? 24 fucking 7. Because when we love we love so intensely I can't even put it into words. Never feeling like you can trust them even though they've done nothing to make them think otherwise. Constantly thinking you're not good enough, my husband has treated me better than anyone else. Yet I have this feeling its all a lie, that he just stays with me cause he feels sorry for me or doesn't want to leave the kids with a fuck up like me. Wondering if he ever regrets meeting me or not running sooner. It's a vicious cycle and if you find people who understand and stick with you through the storms you are incredibly lucky. I often cut people off for minor things, I just feel best to abandon them before they abandon me. It then eats away at me and I'm constantly wondering if I should have, even if they were toxic. With friends I will obsess and basically do anything and everything to make someone like me, agree with all their opinions even if it's something I feel strongly against. Hate the people they do even if I have no clue who the fuck they are. Copy their fashion, music taste, even vocabulary just so they think I'm the best person in the world. I'll become angry if they mention other friends or don't speak to me for a while, I have actually blocked people I've been friends with for years over stupid little things like that.
Impulsivity: Oh boy, this one is fun. That overwhelming urge to do something, usually something so fucking stupid you want to crawl into a hole and die afterwards. The impulse buying is the worst, seeing something you have to have even though you'll never use it or it'll left in a drawer for 10 years. Spending money you don't have, taking out loans or using pay later apps then feeling like absolute shit when you have to pay it back. The amount of times I've been paid, then left with fuck all cause I owe it all out cause last months me thought fuck it, next months problem. I got to a point my house was just overwhelmed with random shit, like every room was just cluttered and nothing had a place or really belongs anywhere. I've tried to get better, donated loads to charity and thrown away the broken items I promised myself I'd fix. If you're struggling with similar I highly recommend going through you're stuff and doing a want and need pile. You'll be surprised how much shit you thought you'd fine useful that's still brand new or actually useless. Another good thing is put a load of random shit in a box and if you haven't touched any of the items after a month get rid of them! I know it's easier said than done, but hopefully this is a starting point some of you could give a try. I've lost many friends by being impulsive, you know when something minor pisses you off but instead of talking to them about it you block them or kick off, or maybe that's just me. It's the guilt after, in the moment it feels like you're doing the right thing, then the embarrassment will creep in and you'll be thinking about it for weeks. I swear everyday I'm having to apologize for the way I've acted or the things I've said, constantly worrying if my actions were appropriate or if I've offended anyone.
These are just the main ones that cause me the most issues, there's also the intense mood swings, destructive behavior, the splitting etc. If you relate to any of these please look into it. I'll tag some of the good websites below:
Young Minds
I hope these can be helpful. There are also some really good groups on social media, where people are open and non judgmental whether you are diagnosed or not. Just know you are not alone, you are not a bad person and whatever trauma you experience that altered your brain is not your fault. If anyone ever needs to talk please let me know, I will never judge anyone and I'm always happy to just listen. I hope this has been somewhat insightful, sorry if I didn't discuss enough of the symptoms, this is all new to me and I still struggle getting all my thoughts in writing.
Much love,
Trash Panda
